First, there was nothing. Well, there was Nothing. And that's something. So let's just say that there never was nothing for nothing is something and everything was just so seriously screwed up at the beginning that nobody has any idea what happened.

The one thing I do know is that something other than nothing was created by Nothing when it was bored one day. Some people say that it was a "god." Someone believed it was a god which created four elephants on a giant turtle. I want to meet that guy. Some people may even think that what we think is a hamster is really some inter-dimensional being in the shape of what we call a hamster. But I believe that the first thing created...was drugs. Yes. Drugs. How else would Nothing get the idea to create something out of itself except for being high. Heck, it must have created everything in an afterthought at that. If there was thought put into our creation, would we die of little pesky things we call disease? No. Would people  fight over the eating of crumpets, muffins, etc? No. Would there be such a thing as Vogon poetry? No. The Ode to a Small Piece of Putty I found between My Toes one Midsummer Morning wouldn't have ripped out my ears in that case.

So, to recap.
First, there was Nothing. Nothing was bored from thinking of  an eternity of the paradox of its own existence. Then, there were drugs. Nothing got an idea to create stuff to entertain itself while under the influence of these drugs and created us. And the rest you should probably know, unless Cthuhlu has come back and eaten us all already. But if that was true, then you wouldn't be reading this.

...

Well, I shouldn't have said that for the stars just aligned and he has just awakened.
Goodbye.